... you need to be able to, at the very least, stand up to another person. To show you are capable of defending yourself. To show you are not weak. Worst comes to worst, you have to fight.

I can't.

This is not a statement of how I am a pacifist or that I don't believe in fighting.
This isn't a statement of how I never learned how to fight or am a coward.

I can not do ANYTHING when it comes to physical violence or confrontation. Arguing is fine. Debate is fine. Heated exchanges are fine, but when there is the looming threat of violence, I freeze. I lock up. I can not move. I can not think. I just stand there, frozen with fear, feeling like I am about to die.

I have some kind of twisted PTSD, caused by my violent father, reenforced by the endless years of neighborhood/school bullies and attacks. Year after year after year, my entire childhood, I had that trigger reenforced over and over and over. From the time I was 3 until I moved away from the East Coast when I was 21 and even some events and times after that, I had that issue re-triggered on an almost daily basis.

I have gone to a number of therapist and psychiatrists with this issue, looking for a treatment or cure. A medication or therapy that would help me overcome this issue. The SINGLE most damaging thing in my life.
The abuses, the attacks, the rape, the sexual molestations, watching my mother almost be murdered by my father multiple times... none of that has had as great an effect on my life as this issue.

It is the foundation and mortar for the self loathing and hate I feel towards myself. Knowing that I could never truly love someone or be loved because when push came to shove, all I could do was stand there like a waste while me or, gods forbid, someone I loved was beaten/raped/murdered.

How can you be worth anything if you can't be what those that need you, need you to be?

None of those therapists or doctors had a CLUE as how to help me. None of them.
When I was younger, it wasn't something that they even attempted to address and as an adult I have had every response from "I am sorry, I can't help you" to "It is just your scared inner child" to "You should just avoid places and things that would trigger that reaction in you"

Avoid those places and things? Like I had done my ENTIRE LIFE? Shutting myself away from interactions, places and people. Avoiding social gatherings and interactions because you never know when some asshole will start trouble.
All based on lived experiences where that is EXACTLY what occurred. Going to the park or the playground. To a friends house or someones birthday, only to be attacked by someone while I was there.

Having people whom I thought were my friends tell me "You disgust me" because I couldn't stand up to a bully or fight back while someone beat on me.

Pop culture is a specific disadvantage

I have always had a personal problem with addressing pop culture topics.

I define pop culture as having anything to do with what is currently drawing the attention of the masses.

Granted there are some topics that really deserve to be addressed by as many people as possible, getting a larger dialog started, getting people thinking.

The only real problem with that, as I see it, is that it actually gets people NOT thinking. They regurgitate.

Someone they respect or someone whom they feel is intelligent says something that sounds like it makes sense and then they just spit that info back out into the world, over and over, spinning it with their own bits of whatever.

Now, the argument can be made that all knowledge is basically that. Just regurgitation of someone elses thoughts. I would agree in a very general sense, however, since there is nothing new under the sun, one has no choice but to pursue pathways that were forged originally by another.

Original thought comes from examining the existing information and trying to spin it in NEW directions. Taking things apart to see if the inner workings explain the outer function.

THAT is not what most people do. They swallow the whole concept and regurgitate it along with last nights dinner mixed in for personal taste.

Now, I KNOW that making statements with words like "Most people" or "Many" is a flawed statement as it is presumptuous in nature. It gives the impression that I think I know what a majority of the people in the world do or think. Kinda sloppy and disingenuous at best.

I have always spoken from a zero point. Myself. My experiences, my view based on what and who I have interacted with.

For someone who keeps very few social interactions and friends, you talk a big game about the larger world. Shouldn't you go out and expereince it for yourself before making any kind of call?

Hi, allow me to introduce you to a concept called OBSERVANCE... Say it with me now OB SERV ANCE .... GOOD!

See, just because I don't directly talk to people everyday does not mean I do not interact with them. At work, on the news, online, when I go to the store, going to the movies... Etc etc etc

I listen, I watch, I overhear.

Taking a baseline reading from multiple locations can give you a pretty good GENERAL sense of the world around you.

The point of this whole thing is that I attempt to practice what I preach. I do not want to feed the shared reality that I have to endure everyday.

If I were to talk about the ballon boy and his family. The most recent attempt to grab the attention of the media.

Believe me, I have an opinion on the matter. One that is in someways shared by a few people whom I have either seen or read their take on things (Vlog as well as Blog)

Everyword that I would post about it. Every ranting statement, only feeds that bullshit.

This is the world we have all come to inhabit. The desire to feed the popular culture with completely vapid tripe.

Are we working towards a state of world peace? What are the wrongs that people are striving to right? What cultures are being slaughtered under the treads of genocide?

Oh FUCK THAT! Britney Duff and Hillery Hilton are not wearing underwear while shopping for new purse dogs! NOW THAT'S WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW!!!

This is a Pop CULTURE!

Distraction and down right disregard for life in exchange for this Hollywood sham are what people ingest willingly and with much zeal.

The zealotry of willful ignorance.

Ask not what you can do for your country, but instead demand that your country give you everything for nothing in return.


So yes, I don't think I will have much to say on the matter, I don't have it in me too feed the animals.

The irony of the modern environment of our ecconomy

Like some of you (Being presumptuous in the context of thinking that anyone reads this thing) I am unemployed. As the nation of the United States pushes through this current crisis, something has become more evident to me.

It really strikes me as a travesty that the people that are making decisions and speaking with an "expert opinion" on the state of unemployment in 'Merica, are all employed.

Does the irony of this escape anyone?

People who HOLD JOBS and MAKE A PAYCHECK are going on the news and broadcasting via every major medium are speaking in an "Expert" manner about the situation.

Excuse me if I have lost the ability to grasp the concept of the word "expert" but I thought it meant that you were very well educated with the subject matter you are discussing.

If you have a fucking job, how the FUCK can you be an "expert"?

Why is it that the people that make the most money are always the ones that have say in how these kinds of situations should be handled?

They smile and chuckle and make glib comments about how dire it is and how 'Merican's need to really put their shoulders to the grindstone to help the nation through this troubled and difficult time.

Cut! Time for a latte and scone!

Everytime I see one of those assholes I get infuriated. There are people starving, losing their fucking homes, families in states of complete disarray because a corp needed to keep it's bottom line up in order to insure it's shareholders continue to make a profit.

LIVES are burned on the pyre of Capitalism.

The great argument currently is about whether or not Capitalism works.

The specter in the closet is *cue horror movie music* SOCIALISM! *wiggles fingers* Oooohhh!!!

These Isms are nothing more that a design of functionality. The problem is not the Ism itself, but the way it is maintained.

Greed is the vulture. GREED is the smoking gun here, not Capitalism.
Humans who do not have to feel the brunt of the result of their choices are the ones that should be held over the rockface.

It is the "people" that make the calls on how those companies should function. It is the "people" that make the decision that outsourcing is the key to a greater turn over of profit VS output.

It is "people" that choose that certain departments or positions are no longer sustainable in the company in order to grow.

I have used to subscribe to the idea that a corp or business was an entity in and of itself.

That the corp or business was self sustaining and thus a monster in it's own right, but just like organized religions, it is merely a system by which "people" in a position of power enforce their will.

The government is exactly the same thing. Originally designed for a greater good, it has been corrupted and twisted to suit the needs of a select few with the "authority" to wield the power of the machine to meet their personal wants and needs.

It has taken us as a country over 200 years (Which in the greater scope is a drop in the bucket) to achieve the current dysfunction we are all currently wallowing in.

This miasmic mire of consumerism and debt.

We all suffer at the hands of the "powerful" as we are nothing to them but a means to an end.

And so we are directed towards completely contrived purposes of "rebellion" and "resistance" using the tools that the system has given us.

Like taking a gun from your enemy and then threatening them with it. They gave us the gun, they know there are no bullets but at least we have a sense of "empowerment" because we have something that has been used against us, now pointed back at them.

You can not control the master with his own tools. In order to subvert the power, you have to remove the source it came from first.

The frustration of unemployment

I am not alone in this desperation and depression.

They talk about the feelings of worthlessness when it comes to being without a job.
A sense of lacking any value as you have no functional place in active society.

I question that particular take but the feelings are still the same regardless.

That philosophy implies a truth but the guise it takes I have a distinct disregard and dislike for.

To say that a person feels as they do because they are not currently a cog in the machine to make money for someone else is a load of bullshit.

There are those that carry that particular concept. They have bought into the ideal that a person's value is directly proportionate to the role they play in the business/working world.

That without their jobs, they are somehow less of a person because every red blooded, democratic 'Merican is a working 'Merican. "I am no freeloader! I earn my keep!"

I would just like those people who are now unemployed to take a moment and realize that the reason they are unemployed is because the businesses and corps that they were wageslaves to are the ONES THAT PUT THEM IN THIS PLACE.

Those corps do not care about the efforts, do not care about the dedication, DO NOT CARE about the well being of them. They only care about profit. The number of dollars generated.

Some office fat cat sat behind a desk (No this is not a Dr. Seuss book, unless it is called "The Boss That Tossed YOUR ass" and while pulling a salary, decided that others had to be axed for the "good of the future of the company" which is exec speak for "Money money money, more money money money"

I got to look at the exec that axed me. I sat right across the table from him when he and my direct boss at the time (A really fucking excellent manager. This dude was one in a billion) explained to me that my position at the company had been declared a necessary reduction.

The company was cutting back and therefore what I did apparently was no longer needed (Contrary to the fact that they just pushed my role onto the shouders of the Sys Admin that was doing his job already)

I sit here and I feel terrible. Because I am not working? Yes. Because I feel worthless? Yes. Because I am not a valuable member of society? FUCK NO

I have a desire to continue to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, an internet connection to keep me plugged in (Into the void that almost certainly has no concern for my well being) so that I can maintain what little social interaction I do have with the few people in my life whom I have never met but connect with all the same.

I have been on the streets. I have gone without. I have been cold, wet and hungry and I DO NOT want to go back to that. Sleeping in elevator shafts in the winter is no fun, let me tell ya.

I feel worthless because I have no purpose. I do not define myself by my job. If I had an outlet that I could partake of, the time would not weigh so heavily on me.

I have worked shit jobs and hated myself and the world around me because of them.

No. A job is not the source. A job is not the reason a man should get up in the morning (Although I salute those that have found their fulfillment in doing what they do. It is a blessing and I congratulate you for it0

I feel as I do because I have nothing that I can look to as a result of my personal efforts.

I am not making a mark in the world. I do not exist.

It is not the corps that make you who you are. It is not the pay checks, it is not the unnecessary crap you buy to fill your house with, to remind yourself that you have value.

All of that is the illusion people maintain to blind themselves to the simple truth that we are simply human beings and only really truely exist when we are connected to our fellow man.
When we make the world a better place for ourselves, our family and our communities... Hell even the world itself.

The men and women of today have all been fed a lie to perpetuate the reality of today. We are cogs in the machine of industry. We have been fed the bullshit of false pretense and purpose.

"Society", as I have always said, is a joke... Let me prove it to you:

From Dictionary.com: Society

Definition #4 (The other 3 defined society simply as a group of people, which in and of itself is the truth but not the standing definition as expressed when using the term to reflect the travesty that is the modern day "community")

a highly structured system of human organization for large-scale community living that normally furnishes protection, continuity, security, and a national identity for its members: American society.


We are not a "human organization for large scale community"

We are a group of individuals who live under common law.

There is no room in "Society" for caring about your fellow neighbor (Although I have to say that I am seeing people come together in this national crisis... and yes, this financial clusterfuck and failure of economy is a crisis.)

The 80's brought forth the concept of the ME generation and that virus has spread. It has permeated our culture and our concepts.

Get all you can while you can and fuck the rest.

Good people suffer, successful people thrive.

We are all being crushed under the weight of our national identity.

We are all ONE NATION, we need to start to believe that. We need to start to work towards a unified world, where man is simply a term of endearment and not the defining aspect of a hierarchy that has driven us so far from each other that we find validation for our choice to reject in the color of skin or choice of god or even location of birth.

So I say FUCK YOU to the void. FUCK YOU to the corps and businesses that thrive on the smoke from the burning souls they have enslaved.

FUCK YOU to the apathetic masses who turn a blind eye to the suffering of the other passengers on this spinning globe shaped startship.

I am unemployed and I am lost but I am not blind nor do I not feel. My suffering is a paradise to those far worse than I, I only wish I could alleviate some of their burden.

I am still here so I guess the spooks haven't found me yet

Not that I want to give any ideas to the spiders that crawl around in the darkness of the void.

There are key words and phrases that can be uttered but never exchanged via text.

What does it say out us as a society when the government keeps tabs on our communications?

That almost feels like a paranoid king, raiding the houses of his people for fear of coup.

Is that what this monstrosity has become?

I have sort of lost connection with most people because I do not understand them. I mean that in a most general terms.

The average person just does not make sense to me, almost as if their personal existence is a form of non euclidean geometry.

I don't understand the desires or wanton disregard for anything unpopular. Styles, trends, opinions.

Is it really so vital that we share one construct? So viciously defended.

Two party system
3 major religions

I live in a black and white world, they say the rest is gray.

Is this your gray? Your need to blend everything into a flavorless paste that feeds you those regurgitated nutrients to keep the rats running the race?

Believe me, I am not above my own inquiry. I am not sitting here passing judgment with a sense of entitlement and superiority. I am constantly in a state of introspective deconstruction.

Which is right? Right by the definition of applicable functionality and not popular opinion.

I just don't get it. "Reality TV"
Pop Music
Trends and Fashion

This is life as it has been built around me.

I didn't bury my head in the sand, I built a castle and live inside of it, waiting desperately for the ocean to reclaim the foundation, bringing it all crashing down around me.


Just another day in the life of dysfunctional membership

Champagne bottles break

So here we are, looking at a brand new platform. Using a medium that has been run into the ground on a flaming dead horse.

Blogging. It is supposedly the new front for enlightening and educating the masses of the world.

The words, unfiltered through mass media, available to any and all who have the capacity to simply switch on the magic internet box and stare at the glowing crystals (Except for you suckers that still have the old tube driven monitors)

There is nothing new under the sun nor on the internet. Everything has been said before with the same modicum of sarcasm, ire and pseudo wit.

This platform is where the disingenuous and cutting edge come together to freely express their opinions and thoughts, hoping to connect with others of a like minded state of life fed inebriation.

With all of this supposed disdain and emotional out pooring, why then, oh sharp witted observer, do you begin to practice the same exact process as they?

Why would I decide on the spur of the moment to start a blog?

Well to be perfectly frank, I was sitting here listening to Otep, Smash the Control Machine, specifically. I became intrigued by the band because of the lyrics of that song.

Any band that talks of breaking social norms to achieve a greater place in the world, I am willing to listen to. If the music sucks, I don't listen very long.

As I sat here, watching the video for the song, trying to focus on the lyrics, I started to think, which is something do pretty much every waking moment of my existence.

If one were to believe the words and expressed thoughts of some, then the tools of the oppressors are used to instill a sense of impotent revolution.

Laymans terms: If the system wants people to feel reactive, they allow people an icon to direct that reaction to a red herring.

No functional system of control allows an open figurehead of rebellion. So put out a face and a voice that rallies the dissidents and sets them in motion with idealistic functionality, all the while completely aware of where the "resistance" is headed.

So here we come full circle back to the concept of the internet and what it affords the average man. A voice to cry out against tyranny, as perceived by them. Any and all. The individual is not required to have a unified concept of what those forces are, they just wail away and decry.

As says the American right to free speech. The capacity to speak out in a manner (With in the boundaries of the law of course) that rattles a saber in the faces of our enemies...

The most effective tool of repression is the one where the repressed uses it on themselves.

Do you not see the brilliance of this construct? This "powerful tool of expression" this "voice of the free man"

It's a scam, a ruse, a smoke and mirror tactic.

You speak your words into a void. A endless soulless void. A void that is controlled by the controllers. The same exact entity that you beat your chest and "defy"

Let us postulate that your words are heard by others. Your impassioned battle cry is picked up by someone else. They embrace your muse and then... tell others, who read your words and tell even more... All of them sitting, in front of their boxes, rattling their sabers at their monitors, speaking about change and revolution. Typing furiously away into that void...

And actually doing JACK SHIT.

All that focus is placed exactly where it was meant to go, by means of the tool allowing yout to generate it.

Or what about the plan of attack that actually says "We will react! We will do something!"

Once again, the void is ever listening.

Your tools of resistance were built and distribute by the exact system you have sworn to disassemble.

So you say "How else are we to unify so many over such a great distance? This tool has been created so we can organize and act!"

Throughout history there have been many revolutions. Many men and women of the world who united and stood up to a system they wished to topple.

How did they achieve such power? How did they unify? They had no computer, no internet, no world wide web.

They started as small groups that ACTUALLY gathered and exchanged ideas, then those groups had members that communicated between them DIRECTLY.

There was no outside tool. Those governments did not supply the mouths they used to communicate. They didn't have access to the paper and pen.

This message is not about insighting a revolution or a resistance of any fashion. It can't be. It suffers the exact same flaws as it points out.

No, this blog is simply an attempt to shed perspective.

You wanna wake up the world, you gotta think differently, act differently, assume the price of being different.